The World’s Greatest Eggnog!

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Festivus…Happy Holidays to all!  What I’m about to share with you is the long lost drunken eggnog recipe from Jolly Ole’ St Nick himself.  You read that right.  Before I get to the delicious recipe, first let me tell you the tale of how I went about acquiring this perverse and arcane knowledge.

December 24, 2015

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and I just couldn’t sleep
I tossed and I turned, before getting up to go pee
I soon finished up as I lazily scratched my bum
Then headed downstairs for a sip of eggnog and rum
“This booze will surely help, and I’ll soon be a slumber”
So I fetched out the ‘nog and poured rum in a tumbler
I swished the liquid ‘round and gave it a chug
“This stuff tastes awful” I said with a shrug
One last great big gulp and it was all gone
“Time to head upstairs” I muttered and yawned
Before I reached my bed, something loud caught my ear
Could it be Santa and his eight tiny reindeer?
I rushed back downstairs, I flew like a flash
Am I already drunk, am I already smashed?
I rubbed the night from eyes and squinted out the windowpane
Is what I’m seeing real, or have I been driven insane?
Yes, it is true; it really is him,
My slack jawed face twisted into a grin!
I made like Elmer Fudd and tiptoed to the door
Then I fell with a crash, as I tripped over décor
I cursed out my wife, and then heard a great laugh
There was Santa, laughing so hard he fell on his ass
I hurried outside to assist ole St Nick
I never imagined he was so lively and quick!
A massive round man stood there before me
In a red velour suit, in all of his glory
The icy chill of winter clung to his clothes
Sweet pipe weed he smoked tickled my nose
He looked me up and down, a twinkle in his eye
Is it possible this fat bastard came down from the sky?
It started to get awkward; we both stood there and stared
So I ran to get him something that we could both share
I made a fresh nog and put it into his big paw
He gave it a sniff, and tossed it in his cavernous maw
With a cough and a wheeze he spit it back out
“What the fuck is this shit?!?” he screamed in a shout!
“Something to get drunk with, you big dumb schmuck”
“Ho Ho Ho” he bellowed, “Well you’re in luck!”
He glugged some beige liquid into my glass
One sip, I was floored, and knocked on my ass!
It was the greatest tasting ‘nog, in all of the land.
“What’s in this stuff? Holy shit is it grand!”
He tapped on a jug, and gave me a wink
“Something for the ride, something to drink!”
And with that he turned and hopped on his sled
He settled in his seat, turned to me and said,
“Breaking and entering millions of homes
In the cold of night and all alone
Makes a man nervous, it wears on the nerves
That’s why I always have my Secret Reserve
It’s made by the Misses; she makes a big batch
I drink throughout the night, straight down the hatch!”
I nodded and smiled as he prepared to take flight
He tossed me a flask, then flew out of sight
The last thing I heard before asleep I did fall
“Merry Christmas you dipshit, Merry Christmas to all”

 

santa_reserve

 

 

I know it sounds a tad unbelievable, but I swear it’s all true.  Last year I had a GENUINE flask of Santa’s Secret Reserve Eggnog.  After Christmas I carefully sniffed, sipped and experimented.  I had to figure out a way to reverse engineer this amazing concoction.  Most drunken ‘nogs taste either too booze-y or too spicy.  This stuff was a delicate balance that could be sipped for hours.  It wasn’t too strong.  Rather it was something with just a subtle kick to bring you to that perfect happy place.  After about a week I finally figured it out.  It was so simple.  I couldn’t believe it really.  Three basic ingredients coming together in perfect alcoholic harmony.  Without further bullshit, let me share with you the absolute best drunken eggnog you will ever taste!

 

For a weaker recipe do the following:

In a tumbler add:

A tiny dash of cinnamon and ground nutmeg

1 part Disaronno Amaretto

1 part Rum Chata

3 Parts Eggnog.  I prefer this Sugar Cookie variation.

Stir with a barspoon.

 

nog3

 

For a more potent brew mix it up like this:

In a tumbler add:

A tiny dash of cinnamon and ground nutmeg

1.5 parts Disaronno Amaretto

1.5 parts Rum Chata

4 parts Eggnog

Stir with a barspoon.

Drink and enjoy! 

trading-places-santa

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2 comments

  1. Thanks! I hope you’re able to mix one up before eggnog disappears from shelves in a week or two!

    Like

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